Just about bloated ego

I asked him yesterday a question, perhaps, every man wants to hear last. Not out of fear, but it’s something somehow that shouldn’t be divulged. It’s a queer equation, the man will provide everything his woman asks for but never ask where and how did he get it. You just be happy and that’s how the man is happy.

May be it’s his ego, but he never wants to be aske how’s he managing things. May be he’s ripping himself off in the process of getting you what you want. All he asks for in return is some glee on your face about having what he gave you. It’s his self respect, his ego to not to tell his woman what he’s going through to get things done. I can’t explain what is it and why. But some how I respect that ego of his. And I guess I’d hurt it yesterday by asking how’s he making ends meet. He was terribly hurt. May be I can never forgive myself for asking him this. He was so hurt. he told me all. And asked me is he falling short of my expectations? I hated myself then. How could I ask him this? He was hurt he drank yesterday. How could I? Then he asked me not to worry even if he doesn’t earn much he will make me happy. Gosh! I know that. And he doesn’t earn less by any means. But visibly I knew where I touched and what did I hurt. I didn’t want to. One mind said jut go and fall into his feet and ask for forgiveness, the other said, how could he think I would be worried about money when he knows me so well? But why did I ask him this. I never was bothered about it in the last four years why now? Am I bothered about his money suddenly? Or is it the lucrative IT industry that’s making me wornder?  What he gives me is so very enough for me…then what do I want, what more? Why did I ask him this?

You know why? Not because I want anything from him, but because I want him to be above everyone else I see around me. He’s become part of my identity which I pride on so much. He needs to be successful, brutally confident and as proud as ever. And I know what will give a man all these – it’s wealth. My needs are humble. I can do with meagre amounts, but I want him proud, confident bloating with ego/attitude which only money can give him. That was all why I asked him that question. What will I do with wealth. The cotton kurta that I wear do not cost more than Rs. 150, the chappals that I wear are at max Rs 120. he wouldn’t need to earn too much to give me all these. But yes to give me his bloated confidence, he might need to go real high. What I gain out of it…I have a woman’s pride to see her man successful..above everyone else she sees around…in return I walk with a bloated ego of seeing my husband being rich, confident and proud.

I and Ma went to the HDFC banktoday toopen up an account for Ma. Somehow I was amazed to see their cool timing – 10 am to 4 pm..that’s all? Wow!!! I told Ma, what fun. She asked can’tyou get in there? I said yea may be after few years when they take me in as director corp/market communication or somethinglike tht…I said it so unconsciously and that’s when it occurd to me..hey why not….I can do that….tht’s when another reason kindled to continue where I am…Another reasonto be brave and sustain….another  reason to be patient…another reason to determined..I will continue there till…..there has to be something fo me out there.. 

Wednesday is my meeting with a team that’s been voluntarily formed to ensure retention of employees in my organization. I have been working on an onboarding process (though I am not an HR person), the team wants to see what is that all about. So far the documentation has been a little unstructured. But then this retainers’ team is no joke kinds. They are into serious business (at least that’s what they project). So I got to go there real prepared. Phew!

Problem is, ever since last week, I have been feeling what am doing here is all such farce and of no real value and that I would rather be somehwhere else doing something more valuable.

But then there’s a ‘wait and watch, look there’s another side to it’ part of yourself, that always asks you to….well, wait watch and then decide. So lats Friday I thought I would wait, watch and then decide whatever I have to. I will wait for opportunities and watch out for more meaningful areas. Am sure something will come by. It always has been that way. Even in TOI, I thought it’s time I moved to mainstream, and within 2 months of my deciding that I gave 3 hit stories to the main edition. My transition to mainstream journalism was almost comeplete when I decided to quit and join corp comm.

Am optimistic, it’s gonna be like this here too. I just need to want something. And I want it badly. Wednesday’s meet might be a new window, all you know.

I want to do a good job for that presentation. That’s why have come here. I will blog and then go back to work. That’s when some of the best stuff have come out of me. I hope it works that way this time around too. I want to prepare a rough skeleton today and give it a final shape tomorrow. Let’s see…Wish me luck..   

Hi! The WordPress World,

I am Jhinuk.  And I come from Blogsource.com Before that I was in Rediff blogs. What kind of blogger have I been? Those irregular little self centered blogger who would only write about self and drop  to say ‘hi’ only when in need (as in whenever I had to pen down my frustrations). But come to think of it what’s wrong with it? At times I wonder who could it be who branded ’self centeredness’ in such bad light. What self centered goose would he/she must have been. You know why I say this? Let me give you an example, ever since I was a kid I used feel pity for those godly figues in family. Poor souls they must have had their own aspirations but always had to ’sacrifice’ for that brand image they created. And the wie ‘other’ side would always get the good share. All they had to do is say, ‘Oh this person’s so selfless’. Selfless? or a fool?

It’s a strange tactics which I realized just recently. Brand this person as selfless and get things done for you. Come to think of it if a person cannot be of the Self how can he/she be of someone else’s. The other side actually is much better. They so confidently say, you are gtreat, and we get trapped in this adjective, and are always struggling ourselves up to this greatness.

Strane world this is. Rather we are strange. Just because of some self doubts we fall into this trap of being called ‘great’ and leave life frustrated. I have done this. I have always been a good girl. But nah, I can’t be that unjust to myself. I was never conscious of that ‘greatness’ label on me. I did what I did because that’s how I have been. Frankly, it’s now that am conscious of it. It’s now that I do it at times for the sake of that label. Why? Am I losing something? Or am i scared to lose this suddenly realized, discovered fortune? I don’t know. One thing, tht I can notice is, I do not have that exclusivity tht I enjoyed once. May be this consciouness came as a result of losing this exclusivity. I want to build up my USP.

But then now I feel am again exclusive in someone’s life. Am I? Well, I don’t know I think I am. I don’t know because even with him I am still conscious of that ‘goodness’ label he gave me. I want to get rid o it. I will when time comes. That’s something I so strongly believe. Your body and mind are born with certain needs, and when ever whatever is needed they react and act and get those.

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