I have been wanting to write something since days. Something worthwhile. Conditions? Even here? Nah..wordpress is the breakfree zone for me. Doesn’t matter I will write whatever comes to mind. Just write that’s all. He is back from Goa. Talked about some lady entrepreneur he is quite impressed with. I fought with him for that. As always am scared he might start liking someone. But he said something that stuck me: Someone else also has to fall for me na if I have to fall for anyone? So does that mean he might consider it if someone …..well let me face the truth..he came to me from someone, he might go away from me for someone else. Would he? No. I don’t think so. But would he continue with me even if he meets someone more interesting only for integrity sake? I don’t know. So many possibilities. I have to believe in one…which means at this moment it is on what I believe is what will happen..at this moment it is on me…if that’s so..let me believe what I want to..I believe he never will go anywhere..he came to me from someone yes…because ther wasn’t anything there…there wasn’t anyone who depended on him…there wasn’t anyone who needed him….and there wudn’t be anyone who would want him like the way I do. So we remain together. I will lose my aham…he will his…and what comes out is the red vermillion…that’s what is us…

‘This isn’t it’ Mode

My friend (an ex-journalist colleague) made it to a start up newspaper with a huge salary package. I was overwhelmed at that. Ah it wasn’t her success, basically the prospect of my moving out. I joined my currently IT employer with a good package. But then a year now and am terribly missing journalism. Yet not brave enough to join in anywhere with a less package. This one comes as such a relief. I can get back to what I love doing (something I just realized yet earn well and be happy.

I am one of those cliched fidgety souls who thinks this isn’t it, the one who finds the ‘other’ side always greener. But just imagine what would it be like if I were to think, this is it..yaiiiiks it would be so boring..dig into the ‘is’ for sometime (which I anyways do) and then still be in it assuming that you are digging it. Not for me. I have to be in this ‘this isn’t it’ mode…hehhehe always. The only ’this is it’ hit that I have had and will ever have in this life time is that cupid bug…that’s right my burger….somehow he is the ‘this is it’ man for me…somehow just too good and kewl..(never mind the generation gap between us)…he’s just kuchi muchi..(can u beat that today morning – while answering nature’s call i was thinking about our relationship–is he the guy..hahah..interestingly i get all my billion dollar ideas in the ‘morning’ ..Ahh anyways before I stick again to my ‘this is it’ man..so i was talking about my ‘this isn’t it’ being…Yea so this job information by my friend is another such ’this could be it’ hope of mine. I hope I get into that this could be it. Hahhaha am all filled with Mungeri Lal ke Haseen Sapne again! Mint will happen, I will get back to journalism, I will get back to writing, get back to meeting so many people, get back to thinking hard for a story angle, get back to hunting for story ideas…phew so much more..and then one fine day I will land with a job as an international journalist in a CNN or a Time Mag. I always think big, and actually long term too! Don’t I? Every organization I move to, I promise myself ’at least 5 years’ but then none of my jobs could till date get better of that ‘this isn’t it’ mode. So am just exploring for the one with a calibre enough to win that ‘this isn’t it’ one.  

I have been thinking of writing something on the ‘Landmark’ experience that I have had. But I guess before that I have to clean up with myself to write the kind of piece I want to.

Thing is lately I have been a little disturbed. Ha! something so obviously deduceable after anyone uses the expression ‘cleaning up self’. Anyways the next logical sequence is am sure a spicey ‘vice’. Well yes it is. Burger shifted (though am sad he left his scorpio back…the car i liked.. most for some odd reason which he wouldn’t divulge). Our getting together looks closer. He too seems happy. So was I, till the phone call a few days back..by my uncle informing us about the soon to be happening marriage of my favourite cousine – who is much younger to me. First instance (and that’s what people say is the real self – and thankfully so) I was happy, quite happy. She is a nice girl and suffered quite a bit, I want her to be happy. And I was happy. Then something happened. The analyst down there said well, lady be prepared for the repurcussions. That’s when I decided next they will ask me ’what’s he saying, when is he marrying you?’ I was right. Baba, though didn’t ask me said it through his facial expression. He looked rather upset and down with this news. That’s when I exclaimed with a happy (utterly artificial, but easily decieveable face)…so nice she finally is seeing some joy in her life..Baba aren’t you happy? (basically pricking the ‘moral’ side of his and blackmailing him to say yes and ignore the matter thinking what’s happening is happening for good..and finally getting rid of further probe of my marriage – the ulterior motive). Well, I succeeded Baba said yes and kept quiet thinking he meant that yes. Maa – who was present all through – was confused about the side she should take. She did what looked easiest to her….she said she is happy too! But you know mothers they don’t forget easily. Next day she brought it up..’when does he plan to marry you? I want to speak with him. Girls younger than you are getting married.’ Frankly that hurt me too (hahahaha). And what she said only deepened the wound. I played the ’senti’ trick..said if it embarrasses you that am still not married, tell me..I have ways out (basically what I meant was I will leave the house..which I can never do because I can’t do without ma, baba and monty)…she got scared and let me go..Then she forgot..but then it lingered in my mind…rest of my cousines, my brother, everyone’s asking her, teasing her…about the upcoming knot…which I so badly wish happened to me…with burger it is there but far from real…as he said today..it is just wait…no date (ha!)…she so confidently spoke about him…she knew it all exists…I wished it existed for me too…May be it will at some point of time when I will lose all desires…but i know it won’t today…today when am filled with desires and life..perhaps that’s a realization…and unconscious realization that got me so envious of a sister i love so much and who i wish (and will always do) all luck…but yes i so wished i went though the same…sometimes i wonder what have i done to not deserve this? Somehow nothing of this world looks mine…nothing that i belong to…it’s a creepy feeling…and mostly what am feeling today is because of him…it all has become such half a life…yes a frustration…i don’t believe i cry so much…small things hurt me like mad…and in turn i get hurt for small things ma or baba say…should i call him up right away and ask him why is he doing this? Ask him why? when I know why..he can’t marry me now…there are a lot of things involved…ok…what else should i ask him…why he doesn’t speak with me? he does…but everyday can’t be……i feel like calling him up right away and asking him….i can’t sleep otherwise….see what do u want from him? marriage? you know it is happening…just a little time (i know you are so tired of this expression but trust me no one can help it…we just have to wait)..all was well till you heard that news…i know there are things..but you chose what you chose right? the stand by it…take it whatever it gives you in return..that’s a woman…let him sleep…let him  that’s what you want for him as his woman right..some moments of rest..let him please…this man’s going through a lot for you…you be in peace too….yes there are desires..but there are choices too…you made yours…you tasted some of the nicer bites…most of it are yet to come and you know  that…there can’t be another man who can make as nice a man as him and you know you can’t get luckier…these what you are going through are just bitter bites…which are nature’s mandate…you can’t help it…you be his wife, his woman now…and let him relax….whatever it takes..whatever you get in return……thanks.   

Some days it looks as though nothing is working. I had a bad meeting with some of the guys here at office – all of whom I look at and wonder howcome are they there where they are. Particularly that guy who is called my manager. He bevaes very weird when in crowd..specially with his team as in us. I do not know why. He is somehow always butressing that fat ass(ni) his boss’s secy. I did all the hadwork and everything and end of it he sayd now all this work will be that ass(i)’s ombusman…what shit..how could he say that with me sitting there? This donkey knows I didn’t like it. And perhaps he knows I will give it back to him. For some odd emotions I did not take up that nice job that was coming by. Anyways changing job isn’t the solution. I guess I have to have some guts and move away from this donkey’s team. He will kill my creativity. He doesn’t understand my work, all he will do is infront of a crowd humiliate me. I have to delve into it..why? May be he thinks I am too junior to him and that’s why worth taken for granted…he does more than just taking me for granted..That’s bad..What should I do? Sometimes I feel I shouldn’t let such people move ahead in life…Well let’s see where this man goes and where I land up in life with whatever small competition period am left with (because this donkey is old and would be retiring soon)..Let’s see where who goes. Do I have confidence in myself? Do I think I am good enough? Yes I do. Whatever the environment makes me feel I know am worth it. Then stick around, just check where he goes and where you land up (of course within your own respective parameters)..That will be an interesting thing to watch out for.  

Why does this happen? I am making that man’s life miserable. How much I fight with him..but do I..he only has been talking so coldly with me since yesterday. Let me give him a call. I know he will talk the same way though I spoke to him, and he’s busy..says will call me after 10 minutes. I know never will that 10 mins come till I get angry again.   How much do I blame him..poor thing..actually ever since he shifted i have been waiting to hear from him. Somehow that’s not happening…he knows I want to know, yet he avoids me…little while back he scolded me also …for doing all these nakhra..and now he isn’t calling me I surely need some more work..my god….what I do the whole day is wait wait wait,,,please what’s wrong with me eh? Come on get a little creative….nah it’s lull period for me….i want to go home and sleep yaah…really life’s full of pretensions…see am pretending to sit and work…when all am doing is sitting and blogging….what to do for simple things they are paying me ths much and making me sit through the day…how much they spend and for what? God….

I had the final round of interview today and usual goofef up. I could hear this guy wasn’t really impressed except for the last sentence or the parting thought about writing that I gave out. Not that am sad about it. Whatever happens will happen who cares anyways. He is shifting, at least that’s what he said. Who wants to leave Bangalore now

I have to innovate in this job itself. Try and do things here. Don’t know how. But I will. But frankly I do not like getting rejected, I hope they take me. Even if they don’t what is the heck. The challenge is how do I innovate in this job? Now, here. My god this job is hell boring..hahhahhaha…trust me. May be I can do stuff better here. I am going to get back to writing. 

I know am supposed to be getting on with my office work. But trust me I cannot start anything with honesty today if am not complete at my personal front.

I encourage him, I get him to do better achieve more…..but end of the day am just an outsider. End of the day she is his wife and am no one…End of the day he goes to her…End of the day I am no one’s Lakshmi, I am no one’s identity..I am just me..Paremts have to keep me because where else will I go..He doesn’t understand the self mockery that I go through with the slightest of his ignoranve towards me. I am his only till 9 PM after that, am an evil am supposed to be cut off from. Through the daylight he will say act as though there’s no one other than me. When night falls he goes back to someone else.

I feel every woman is at a higher level than me. Afterall what do I have, just a job. I do not complain, I choose it. I have complaints with myself..the Mamon that I am..What did I do to deserve this? Tell me Mamon? Why did I have to go through this? I want to breakfree.  After 9 PM thios cell phone looks like a dead machine to me. He says she will get angry if he talks to me…She is lucky. I think I should face it. Nothing has happened so far. I am being fooled for whatever reason. It’s been four years and am still a fool. He bought a house for himself. I figure no where there. He said he will move out. He hasn’t yet. When time came he said he will wait for her to come back and stuck around for 4 months. Now she’s back, he is waiting for another watershed. Let me face it, he won’t do anything. I will have to remain an outsider for rest of the life. He has been averting things. Let me face it. He doesn’t want anything to work out. Work out? He doesn’t have any intention. He wants to continue things the way they are. He would have acted differently if he had any intention. He doesn’t. I believed him that’s why am a fool. Am ruining myself with this. Why can’t I have the guts to walk out? Why can’t I have the guts to walk out? All men are same. I hate them. I hate men. I swear to myself if I walk out I will not look at another man ever. I will never depend on any man emotionally ever. God created them selfish. They will be this way. I might walk out of it all.   

I am excited about the new offer. I hope it turns out to be a good one. Though this time I will decide after a long consideration so that my next step is cocnsistent for a while. So that I endure wherever I am.

This timew around am faced with perhaps one of the biggest challenges I did in the recent time. How to leave him behind. This man depends on me so much emotionally and hopefully next 3-4 months we get married. How to leave him behind? I don’t want him to cook like he does everyday, eat all by himself and be alone. God what should I do? I don’t want to turn down this offer either. It’s a fabulous one. It will give a great turn to my career. But then if I were to choose between him and career, the obvious choice is him. but do I just say it or do I actually mean it? I don’t know. Let me go there tomorrow and see how things unfold.

I think what he’s doing is wrong. A thoroughly wrong approach. Unfortunately he doesn’t realise his wrong approach impacts so many people. I told him but he’s not ready to listen as in understand what am saying. What do I do I don’t know. Why’s he doing this? He knows what he’s doing will not impact me right, yet? Why’s he so afraid of that person, or about takinf this step I don’t know. The only conclusion I get is he isn’t for this step. It’s so sad and I really do not know how to get out of it. Am just trapped.

I feel so helpless. Because of someone’s indecisiveness I am stuck. Why did I have to love that man? Why on earth? He’s not ready to face anything. He will just keep postponing things indefinitely. We haven’t moved an inch since May. All that he said are turning out to be sheer farce. I do not know what am I in for. It’s just once in a while will I get a glimpse of his sincerity about us. He doesn’t understand that there’s a limit to what anyone can wait and watch. I am at that limit. Today I belong no where – not to him nor to anyone. I want to end this. Is he a coward? No. He isn’t. How to wake him up I don’t know. My words have failed. he just dismisses my words as those that hurt him and make him more miserable. I can’t go and tell this to anyone, because everyone then will hate him and I don’t want that. But I am at a very shitty situation. It kills me to see him get so indecisive, his fear, the way he’s postponing and avoiding things. i wish there’s an end to it all. It’s only because of how things are turning out for us that I am planning to go to another city. But I do not see him doing anything. And now he says he will still take time? I don’t know what is he up to. Sometimes, I feel he’s better than that Landmark leader in brainwashing people. He’s brainwashed me so much that even now am feeling am wrong in thinking this about him. I can’t get more frustrated than what I am now. Enough. Even now he says he will do when time comes? I think I should tell him that he is the reason why am shifting to another city. I am feeling so irritated at him for the person that he is. And at myself for not being able to do without him. I don’t know how to get this inside his head that the more he delays the more it gets denied to me. Sometimes I feel he just doesn’t care. He always has his reasons. I can’t believe he stayed there for 4 long months even after building his own house and even after telling that person that he’s moving out. I don’t want to think that he doesn’t have any spine. What am I in for? I know if I tell him all these we will end up in bigger fights. He just wants to fight out everything. I hope I am not deciding anything, but I really do not know what am I in for. I am so frustrated right now. Full four years I have done nothing but just waited for him. Although there was nothing for me to believe yet I believed that this will happen one day. That oneday doesn’t seem to come. I do not know if ever will it come.      

I am bigger than my Fear

It’s amazing how crippling fear can get. After a long time, I had a story in mind. Have been thinking of penning it down since Monday. I haven’t yet. She’s apparently coming back in few days. She who’s everything is coming to me now. She who never realized she has everything, and that unvalued everything is now coming my-wards. Will she keep quiet? i don’t know. Even he seemed a little disturbed today. Very scared. What will happen? I don’t know. Would she be able to uncover the closet? I don’t know.

Is it really an ‘I don’t know’ or I don’t want to face it. It’s a mixed feelings. One part of it is an ambuguity – what happens next and the other part is what will happen beyond ambiguity which obvious win…we getting one. Isn’t that a bigger one than the ‘I don’t know what happens’? Yes it is. Why am I still crippled then? This is one of the biggest in my lifetime. Some drastic step that I’d taken. I don’t believe myself. I can do it? I am sure of my choice though. Then why? Am at the face of a real danger, let’s see how I tackle it. Today, it feels I have never faced one till date. All this while that ‘I’ notion which constituted risk taking ability seems a farce. I never faced a risk till date. This one which will come by soon is the only and the real one. But whatever it is, it can’t get bigger than me or life. I will face it. Whatever it is. It can’t get bigger than me, or from the dream I nurtured for 4 long years. It’s actually happening now. I got to taste it. I will. It can’t get bigger than me.

I leave today with this note. Although that fear is still crippling me, but am convinced it can’t get bigger than me. I will survive it. I do not know how and what will I do, but I would do something, rather make it happen the way I want it to.