Why does this happen..some heaviness that we all have to live with? But when I see Maa’s heaviness mine looks so silly and light…god knows how heavt should could be feeling now..i know she won’t eat tomorrow..she’s become thin..and she looks so weak…and I can’t do anything about it…my Maa’s dies everyday in front of me and I just have to watch her….the person who means most to me…I feel guilty, because i haven’t done anything for her till date…what should i do…how can i let them hurt her self esteem everyday…but how do i fight them….they are my own people…mahabharat lives everyday in all of our lives….i know they are wrong…i see them robbing someone completely of her self dignity….but watch them dumb….i am not arjun….why am i not? how can i let her not live like ths day after day? what should i do? fight them? they who are mine? believe me she looks like a child..all the more when she cries…and i look on like a coward…i couldn’t see her cry today…that’s the worst punishment i get…i could never see her cry….

Mission Australia

There’s a job with Associate Press matching my profile. This morning they sent me an alert. The position is based in Australia. My first reaction was – delete this, I won’t go anywhere without him. Then I paused and thought for a while. Sure I can’t go anywhere without him, but how about migrating to another country with him? The idea looked fantabulous. I applied for the job and pressed the send button. Then I called him. And both of us went dreaming. Both of us in Australia. How would it be? Total rebooting for both of us. I in AP, he may be part of LalTopi….How’s that? During initial settlement days we take Maa, Baba and Monty along..but Dada? He will feel so lonely without us. After Maa Baba are back we will send tickets for Dada Baudi also…they can have a holiday here. And later tickets for Akka and Chinni.

We will have a big house, a green lawn in front, lot’s of flowers plants and trees around. Our living room will have large windows and bedroom (:D – will have no window hehehhe) will be on the rooftop with a huge balcony. Nice spacious kitchen with dinning space. Large puja ghar too. And he and I in a new country, around new people – assuming there won’t be any judgement, no consciouness. But what if that decision turns out to be a wrong one? He’s never worked under anyone – can he cope up? Can I compensate for every hollowness he will feel there? I don’t know. What do we do if he feels like coming back? Then there won’t be the Linux business to fall back on. The risks are scarry. But imagine the prospect of being in beautiful Sydney with only him around. Will we have a car there? Yes, ofcourse. I can’t see him without one. Both of us can do all the wacky ideas that stuck our minds. And what else….

Manjao na Burger..there’s no age to start afresh. I am positive. I am with you. Let’s unlearn, let’s unleash, let’s get crazy.

They should be kissed with dignity

Writing in after a long time. Last time when I logged in was on 2nd Nov..ah just 11 days..still not too short a while, eh? Well, it was an eventful week. What I remember now is about bhai phuta and the movie we watched that day – Laga Chunri mey Daag. And how I cried on that film. Somehow that film is such that it doesn’t leave you peaceful or entertained….it asks lot of questions…two sisters like me and monty…happy and having fun like we do….faced with financial crunch..dad’s not well…the eldest sis goes to bombay to find work…she is just 10th passed…never gets any job…she becomes a high profile prostitute…losing her virginity to men unknown every night…but she sends money home..big money…they become well off….the better the home gets the worse does this gal gets…the mother knows about it but never tells anyone…the younger one is now a management grad..comes to mumbai gets a job and a guy…she is about to get married….that’s when she comes to know about her elder sis….very emotional scene…the elder sis says sorry..and the younger one says shut up..dare u say sorry to anyone…we are sorry…for every night when you died to give life back home….i cried like mad after that movie..but come to think of it…why do we view prostitution as vice, as illegal…there are so many jobs like that where we sell our physical labour….not just those daily wage labourers but even things like stunt men in films, or dance master or a fight master….there are so many careers related entertainments based on physical activities…why can’t this one be viwed as one…do we want to stop it? NO..it can’t be stopped…it’s part of the society – like it or not….it’s been there in every civilization at every part of the world in every period…it is as ancient as this…let’s accept it as a form of entertainment..and treat them as entertainers….as ‘employees’ of this entertaining industry…let’s give them proper rights as employees….as workers…let’s give them due respect….they are the bigger and worth more respected than any of the oscar awardee entertainer we know of…they lose their corest of self to entertain people….let’s not call those areas as red light areas…or make them stand as though all they deserve are those filthy looks from people……some exhibiting their greeds straight and some covering it up under ‘morality’ and social norms….NO one on this earth has the right to disrespect them….we all use them…we all kill their corest self for our entertainment…..they work hard like us…..they help man/woman unwind like any film or a book would do….Treat them with respect….they should be kissed with dignity…

kisika dosh nahi yeh kasoor mera hai, bujha hai mere haathon hi chirag saahil ka…

It’s as though I was heading towards somewhere with a hyperspeed and the phone, the apology and I stand still with a sudden break, in the midst of no where. He says sorry and asks me are you sad? Ma says I doubt, and asks are you sad? Am I? I don’t know. Or does this make a difference? May be it does that’s why they ask me this. May be it’s their compulsion to make me sad and ask me again. Who do I blame and for what…kisika dosh nahi yeh kasoor mera hai, bujha hai mere haathon hi chirag saahil ka…

I wish I didn’t have to go home today. AM happy I don’t have to meet him today. I couldn’t have.  I wish had some place to go and cry, cry like no body’s business, cry like a baby does…not complain just cry. I will go late today. I don’t want to be back home. Why? Because I want to cry, because I don’t want to answer any question, because I don’t want to ask any question, just cry. And I am crying – but not like a baby, like a grown up…quietly silently as though nothing has happened, like everything is fine, as though no body is crying. I don’t want to be in that room, I don’t want to see those faces..but like a grown up I have to..as though I want to see them as though I love to be in that room…My workplace is my best shade..it hides everything…the fact that am crying..so what if am crying like a grown up…I am I can…

Pakhi what happened?

I don’t know, I don’t want to be back..that’s all. I don’t want to eat there or be there. I feel ashamed to look at them. I feel like a lesser being. I can’t face them today…can anyone hide me somehwre please…I don’t want you to go away bloggie…I am afraid that they might see me crying, they might come to know that actually am still standing alone…that actually it still is a loner’s fight. Don’t go bloggie..if you are done the I get the reason to get back…I can’t face that reason today..don’t go..be here with me..I don’t want to get back… 

Some fights are just yours, no one else other than you have a share of it. So what if it’s the decision to be someone’s. When you are defending that decision to be someone’s before your parents, it’s a fight you have to fight alone..not even with him by your side. It’s one of those many days when this had happened. At night my sis questioned me about him and to day morning Ma. They all are finding this wait unbearable. They all ask me why is he not acting. With sis I fight back – she is younger to me and loves me like mad, so I know she can be quietened. With Ma I go dumb I do not find any answer to all that she asks. It’s been five years what is he doing still? All I say is I don’t know (to myself). They keep asking me – day and night and I keep absorbing it all the time. Why should I blame them? They want to see it all settled. But what do I do? Will he listen to me if I told him what happens at home? I don’t know. He gets angry. It’s a situation where I can’t blame anyone. As paprents they want to see me all settled. They know these days am neither happy nor sad am just waiting. I know they can’t see that blank look in my eyes. I can’t blame him either. He has moved out. He has lot of work to attend to. But then can’t he priortize things? What’s more important to him now? His work or me? I don’t know. I don’t even know whether I can ask him this. I am at that height of an emotional being where my words do not reach me. I am not being able to express myself. They have their reasons, he has his..where do I go? Where do I belong…I do not know. I want to breakfree from him and from them…from his wait and from their questions. I was supposed to go to Haflong in Dec..I don’t think I will..I don’t want same interrogation…I will go somewhrere else…alone…free..