Enthu for things to come

My analysing self series is somehow getting postponed. Is it really the different kind of thought patterns hitting my mind, or am I running away from seeing myself bare and just as I am – I don’t know. Anyways, I will delve into that aspect a little later, rather sometimes later.

Right now what’s bothering is people around. Ah! frankly whatever the rest of the blog will unfold into will be very silly. But then at times it’s the silly that drives you crazy. So might as well share it..or may be let it down here. So what happened is am leaving this awful boring corporate job and getting back to journalism. I have been happy with my decision ever since I took it except for the money part (am going there with a much lesser salary), but then am confident I can earn as much or more in just a bout 2 months’ time. I was content, that’s when one of the high profile directors came to my cubicle and asked, “Heard you are quitting? Why what happened? It didn’t work here?”

Eh? Didn’t work here? Did it really not? It’s like, just after that question – didn’t it work – was asked, I popped out of myself, stood right infront of me and asked, “Didn’t it work?” Somehow I never thought that it didn’t work, but neither did I think it worked. It disturbed me a lot, and it still is. Honestly, I think it worked be has never been any great stuff. But it hurt me. Today another lady came by, with her usually nose-up, irritating and disgusting body language and said the same thing, “I heard you are leaving?” Rest of the words were spoken by her look she rendered on me. I said, “Well it’s a damn boring job, not for me, I can’t take it any longer.”  But her looks disturbed me. That usual heady look. Sometimes I wonder, everytime I get proud of myself God teaches me a lesson; how about these people, they never seemed to be taught anything. Well, may be they are, who knows. That’s something so evidently isn’t my business.  Why because never in my life can I know what lessons is God teaching that haughty lady. But her looks disturbed me a lot. I felt she is saying I failed here. Did I? No I didn’t, but yes I never scored too well either. May be she and everyone expected from me and never got what they expected otherwise why those looks. Or may be I did but never was appreciated. I am disturbed with these thoughts. I have never failed and left anything (ah except for leaving science stream in my 12th which still haunts me). So am back to the question, ‘didn’t it work?’

May be it didn’t, so?

Is it necessary that everything works in life?

No, but I don’t want to leave anything on a negative note. I don’t know whether corporate is real or farce, what matters to me is how much did I work here. I did something I agree, but I could have been better. That’s where I will end this argument.

What I have next is a lot of enthu for things to come. Let me begin at that!

The Yes Boss Syndrome

Well, I would surely continue my ‘Analysing Self’ series. But I guess I have break it with this blog on an interesting development at office. The CEO of my company is here at our India office today. He’s here for a 3 hour visit and then moves to other Indian cities (not on work though). What’s interesting is the work that’s gone in the prelude to his visit. Our office- which looks neat – was repainted, all the break areas, cafe, conference room perfected as though no human being resides or uses any of those. Ah the most interesting part are our guys – all clean shaved and neat (ironically my company promotes informal culture..which these guys seemed to be following except for now..during this CEO’s visit). I almost fell off my chair when I saw one of our human resources guys today – neat shirt, neatly ironed formal pants and polished shoes and wearing a pleasant smile on that! Believe me in my one year tenure I have never seen this guy smiling. Everytime I went to desk, I never got anything more than that constipated look on his face. And my secret personal survey says, most of my colleagues have gotten only that fom him. And today this guy was seated on the font row wearing smiles on a neatly shaved face. It was so unlike this guy. He’s just started looking so natural with his constipated look. And today with that plastic smile on his neat face – which usually is so unclean with beard – made him look like a sad circus joker making all efforts to make people laugh when he himself is feeling so awful and which is so visible on his face. Ah this constipated face is just one of the many examples that happened today.

I was actually engrossed in these thoughts, during that CEO’s all employee meeting, when suddenly something that he was saying caught my attention. He stated, “Though we talk about it we never practise a heirarchiless dealing or conduct. One difference I find here in Indian work culture is, it’s so heirarchical. Come on guys, grow beyond these. I don’t want anyone to hold my bag or open door for me. I can carry my own weight.” Obviously the American did not appreciate our ‘Yes Boss’ attitude and what a relief it was to hear him throwing all our ‘Yes Bosses’ right back to our face. In fact these ‘Yes Bosses’ since morning frustrated him so much that he so daringly in front of 650 Indians said, ‘Indians aren’t candid enough to admit their failrures or say no to something they cannot do.’ I agree we have great culture and all, but this is something may be we need to learn from those Americans. The art of being upfront, and the art of NOT running around the bush. I love them for this as much as I hate them for distorting English language and for those four letter word.  

Analysing Self

Let me face it. How wrong am I? And where? Why this feeling everyday to be somewhere else instead of being here? Why this detachment to everything I touch or see? No you are not running away. If you are at fault face it. What is this unbelongingness all about?

What you did was past. What is it today? What are you doing?

Every time I come back, I feel I wish I didn’t have to come here. I feel I wish I could go and be there.

Why this desire to be there? Is it about being with him or is it about being away from here?

No, no running away. Answer me. Why this desire to be somewhere else? Is it about being somewhere else or is it about being there?

You know, it is about being with someone, somewhere where all is mine.

So is it tht feeling of loss of power? That you do not hold decisive power over things? Is it about having someone who can carry out your directives? Now you no longer weild that power, is it tht frustration?

No, do not run away…Tell me the truth and face it…

What could you be losing out on? A good full family…everyone nice..then wht..what do you feel when you get up..

I feel….very soon I will get up somewhere else…

After that?

I ask him and myself..when?

<Note – frustration starts>

Then I get ready dreaming of and thinking of that ‘when..

<Note – frustration starts>

Sometimes I ask him sometimes I don’t…but the question lingers on…A lot depends on how the last night was…if we all slept happy then I get happy thoughts positive thoughts tht I surely will be with him…if the previous night ended in fights with everyone..next morning I get desperate that I have to be with him….where is he? If he doesn’t answer or says something loght not related to what am asking I feel he will ditch me very soon….I go desperate and fight with him..put up a gloomy face at home and do not talk to anybody….I talk to him every morning but I feel that void of his not answering what I am asking sometimes straight or sometimes subtely….

So while you are getting ready – through the morning most part of it you spend thinking/desiring to be with him..with what thoughts doyou go downstairs? When you go to eat?

I am either happily thinking of him or desperate to be with him..am either thinking few more days and then I will have my own home…I would get up around this time and cook breakfast for him….With these thoughts I go downstairs….sometimes ma would talk something to me but I would be engrossed in my thoughts…sometimes when amsad smallest of carefree-ness towards me will not miss my eyes…I would feel now am not important to anyone…that’s why I shouldnt be here….End of it the only one solution I see to my so called myseries is being with him….

I want to know more you just tell me what is what, don’t form opinions or analyse anything…just tell me what is what…it is very important….what do you do while you are having breakfast?

I told you sometimes when there are no thoughts in my mind..I talk a lot with Ma Baba about all the silly things that iused to think about, my plans, my dreams…and as usual they would listen to me…..but sometimes when am sad I would get desperate to be with him…..I talk with him every night…when I have a good conversation with him I be with the thought of being with him…but here I feel positive as though it would happen tomorrow…But I feel happiest when am me..least bothered about who is what..with my parents being silly, not disliking anyone…just being what I ave been always….BINDAS….

While am in the car,off to office, the same thought whatever was running through the morning would linger on….happy, sad or just clean clear and relaxed…That decides the rest of day for me at office and with him….evening I come back with the same mood and either think if being with him – positively or in desperation; or clean and clear mind where I come back to my parents….

Face the first part of it now -

It starts with the intense desire to be with him. You start detaching yourself from everything that your present place has. You start justifying to yourself why shouldn’t you be in your current place any longer and that how much you need to be where you so intensely desire to be in. You start looking for reasons – smallest possible – justifying your need to be with him. Moment you get one, you cling on to it and start telling him justifying to him why he should take you with him. In that process, you have portrayed everyone - with whom you have been so close – in negative light, because that gives you the reason/justification to be where you want to be. Unless where you are right now is portrayed in a bad light you do not get a reason to be where you so intensely want to be. He also has his bit of contribution here. Most of the times he weighs your desperation to be with him a little lightly – which you notice, and that aggrevates your misery. You start feeling there’s no one at all for you. That’s when you start you do not belong to anyone, anywhere. Your intense desire, goal gets defeated. You start feeling defeated, lost..unpossessed and in desperation you protest, you fight back his indifferent behaviour.

I will analyse your relationship with him in the next blog. Why I took up your current place atmosphere and your relation to it is because, you were intensely disturbed about what Ma told you. You were not able to take that you are so wrong. In fact you aren’t. There’s nothing wrong or right. Try and get out of this guilt.  It’s that deeply sown seed of a desire, beyond which you cannot see anything.

I am happy you recognised it. Now what you do next, is nothing – just let go. Everytime you face a similar situation just remind yourself of that desire that drives you to look for reasons. That doesn’t mean I am asking you to get rid of that desire. It is your life and you cannot live without it. All am asking you to do is, understand that your current place and people around you cannot get you to that desire. They are NOT the reason why you should be in the place of your intense desire. In such situations just remember you are trying to use them as justification why you should be where you desire to be.

About your relationship with him, I will discuss in the next blog. For now, yes you can share with him if you feel he can take it in a right and intelligent manner, something that will help both of you and everyone else around you.

I repeat, you do not have to weigh anything as right or wrong, neither should you try to change anything or get rid of anything specially your desire. Just recognise it’s intensity and how you are constantly looking for reasons to fullfill it.  

May be i spoil everything with my ego. What am  expecting from him? i wanted to tell him something and in the midst of words i couldn’t…is that his fault? No. He is tired and wants some solace from me and this iswhat i give him for some peace he wanted from me…fault is entirely mine…now go and say sorry to him and cheer him up….GO

It’s like being back to square one. I don’t know who’s at fault. Or rather is there anything faulty? He thinks in his own way, why should I impose mine on him. But wasn’t that a dream we saw together? I thought it was our dream and suddenly he says yesterday it’s no big deal in living that dream..everyone does it, so what’s the big deal…simple words isn’t it..why should I feel so bad? I dnt know. He is right afterall, everyone has a baby..what’s the big deal. But I think it is a big deal..to bring in a life, and to be able to nurture that life…the life that lives after you..I am confused..actually am not..I just wonder about the loopholes that Guy had kept when he created men..he filled in all emotions unto a woman and forgot to fill any unto man..