what god are you

He says ‘yes I will have to write her name, but don’t worry we can change it later’. So convenient. IT era afterall. But after everything? All the introductions, just when I thought I am being accepted, this jolt comes. Why God? What have I done to you? They say am your child..if it is so then why this vengeance towards me…all I had asked for is a small world of my own…and some acceptance in it….why so much pain..why..I can’t take it any more…I can’t bear it…you want me to take this…tell me how am I lower than all those women …. whom you favour…those so called respected ones of the society, those accepted ones…what do i lack to not deserve that pedastal….have i not wanted him enough…have i not loved him enough …. or have i not been his enough ….if you are god you will give me an honest answer….tell me what have not done to not be accepted, to not to be the only one…why should my name come second….as always..why in his life…what have done to not to be the first one….from teenage till date…which heart have i broken…i have seen those accepted ones of yours..treating emotions as though  they were not emotions…as though some game…which heart have i broken to bloat my ego…Dear god i am not bad..please don’t punish me this way…you let me live or let me die..i can’t hang in between this way..he says it’s ok he will write someone else’s name? so casually? you let me die..i don’t want to see it…please…do me this favour…you are making my little niece suffer..don’t do this give her suffering to me..take me away or throw me to hell if u think am not worth it….but i dnt want to be here…please….whatever left out self respect i have let me remain with that…let me die with that…dear god if you are god then you have a reputation to keep….at least for that sake let me die….there’s nothing..dnt put me through such humiliations…i hve been through enough of your dumps…spare me now…if you are god…then spare me plz….i dnt want anything from you or from him…..and i give in..i acknowledge that my will, my determination everything is subject to what u decide…i acknowledge that and i dnt wnt to fight it, i dnt want to fight anything…i just want to go away….from everything and everyone..yes run away….give me that at least..what pleasure do you get and why……i accept the defeat i accept ur supremacy…everyone does..am sorry i believed in myself..am sorry i thought i am capable of doing everything..you showed me how am not…..i knw it’s still a feudal world….let me go now….the whole world believes and praises you what will u lose if i dnt …. cause i cant believe or praise you…..you are the worst heart i hve seen, the worst manager…i cant praise you i cnt believe you….what god are you..you dnt even spare a 10 month old baby….what will you spare me….what nature what science have you created that cannot ensure a peaceful first one year to a baby….all your creation is useless….even a capitalist company gives its employees a peaceful first 6 months….and u..u get lives onboard by making them cry…what god are you…what ur use..what’s the use of this nature u created…

Disillusioned

It indeed is humbling. Afterall what has my profession got me rather what have I made of my work to get me what I want. After 5 years, I can’t even afford a UK education to my sister. Is money all? It isn’t but it is important. What is success afterall – the ability to ‘buy’ what you want. The rest all are, as they say, talented but not successful. She needs 12 to 15 lakhs to be there for a year. that much money? I earn not even half of that. That’s what my ‘writing passion’ has offered me end of 5 years. Am I complaining, perhaps, but not with writing but with my approach to the way i have taken it up. I don’t know if I love journalism, but the whole thing about people knowing me through my writing is a big kick for me. But at what price? I thought I would not need to earn much. He is there. Yes he is, but for me, I can’t ask from him for my ones who depend on me.

I look back and ask was I wrong? I feel so disillusioned. Why did I want to be a journalist? Why couldn’t I lay my heart on something more lucrative – why journalism. And I still can’t get over the kick of seeing my name everywhere.  Was leaving internal comm a mistake? May be, at least if I wanted to afford all I wanted to. But would I do all these only so that I can afford gold for my mother? Or so that I can send my sister abroad to study? Is it my false pride? Or the suddent loss of it after quiting my last lucrative job? I don’t know what I should do, rather why am I feeling what am feeling…may be it’s best to leave it this way and get back to my work…