From us To You and Me

I confess, and he thinks I am the sinner
My Church, my inner self, snatched himself away from me..using words

I tried words too to keep him
But couldn’t play with them with the finesse he did

And I lost
And he snatched himself away from me….

What will remain is not the one-ness
Not the I in him or him in me

But two separated bodies
With two gradually disconnecting souls
Drifting further apart with cautiously woven nice, calculated words

What will remain is not the mirror
Where once I saw myself and where once he saw himself
But some tinted glass, where we see only what we want to
Cautiously calculated again, so there’s no unrest, but only peace like the dead, the lifeless

And all these because ….
I confess, and he thinks I am the sinner

My Church, my inner self, snatched himself away from me..using words

I tried words too to keep him
But couldn’t play with them with the finesse he did

And I lost
And he snatched himself away from me….

What will remain now is just the artificiality, of niceties – that which is flawless and perfect

What will go are those imperfections strewn over the bland plain and perfect knot between us
The jhoot moot ke shikwe gileh, the nauk jhauk

What will go is the Us, what will remain is the You and Me.

The Cathedral

It’s been a busy evening today. Reason being mom’s favourite movie, Hritik-Ash starrer Jodha Akbar was lined up for the evening movie show at channel Colours.
And everytime this movie’s on the show (which it’s been for more than 4-5 times now) I decide not to watch it and as ever I always end up beating my decision, thanks to Ma’s super zeal for the movie.
But out of the the 4-5 times that I watched it, this is the first time I saw it. Jodha’s belief in her MOHAN and her way of living that she’s lived. She agrees to marry Akbar on the condition that he lets her continue her religion and way of living.
I don’t know if there’s any connection, but it reminded me of Paulo Koelho’s thought from THE ZAHIR, that all of us have a cathedral inside us and within that Cathedral there’s a sacred space where not everyone or everything can enter.
Indeed, Jodha must have had MOHANA and her way of living in that Cathedral. May be it is that sacred space that Akbar fell in love with.
I wonder did I or do I have anything in that sacred space in the Cathedral within me? Any belief? Anyone? What I see in there is a journey of phases – the phase when I was told Horiom is the power that can do it all make me tall grow my hair long; then Babamoni who never leaves anyone unheard. I believed what I was told and placed Horiom and Babamoni in my sacred space. Neither of them ever made me tall or had my hair grow think and long, but nevertheless both were with me all through those years as my belief that the tough days would be over, as my confidence to be myself and not adorn any mask amidst the all masked world. I sailed along and reached here keeping alive all my beliefs. But I no longer find them in my sacred space – have they left or are they lying somewhere hidden there, I do not know all I know is I stopped calling them.
Then what is it that I have now in my sacred space then? It’s all extremely cluttered inside, all crammed with thoughts. fear, insecurity, plans am not able to see anything. I do not know what lies in there at my Cathedral. It’s as though am living on the surface, as though lost connection with self. I know my Cathedral still exists, but I stopped going there and it’s been so many days now that am almost forgetting the wyas leading to it; what remains is the glimpse of faded memories of my connection with my Cathedral.
What happened why did I get disconnected to it? Am miserable without connection to my Cathedral. I can’t love, I cant hate, and I can’t live.
Yet I haven’t lost it all. There are somethings which are still in communion with self; some spaces within which still are complete; some of my beliefs that still show light.
I believe in life. I believe life lives its own course and all we need to do is flow with it. I believe I am never right or wrong am just flowing on with life. Where am I today, whatever am doing today have all been decided by that one decider – my life. All my guilts, my secrets, my fears which I think are my creations have all been created by someone else. If I laugh, if I cry, if I hate, if I doubt, it’s all because am made to do it all by that one writer – LIFE. Life is Horiom, Life is Sai Baba, Life is Babamoni. I belive when I want something, it will happen because wanting is only an indication given by that Writer that it will happen to me. So love, hate, cry, laugh, gossip, fail, succeed, work, laze and finally live full on, and never never ever hate yourself cause you are just living what someone else is writing for you. YOU do not exist, or exist only as long as the writer LIFE decides to keep you living.