As Life Comes in Full Circle

Yesterday my husband told me that it’s been quite sometime that
he’s been contemplating on shifting his career to organic farming. Buy some
land in some quieter corner of the earth and settle down. Wow! From open source
software to organic farming (sure some chemistry between ma hub and O).

How would that be – he tilling his organic farm and I
calling out from afar ‘aji sunte hooooo’ with an aluminum lunch dabba in hand. Whatever
it is, I will welcome the change whenever it happens. I love quietness. I adore
sleepy, lazy places and life. Blame it to my small town background.

Come to think of it, life is such a circle – we always come
back to where we started. Or at least see the possibility of it happening. I
was born in a very very small town in Assam. Shifted to Delhi to study in a big
college. All the glitz and glamour struck my eyes. I was fascinated by the big
city rush.

As I completed my college and started working I got used to
this rush, glitz and glamour. By the time I shifted to Bangalore I learnt how
to live with it. And today as life is settling down (to no more major changes),
as I close in to a decade of working – I don’t like this hustle bustle any
more. I want to get back to that quietness I was born in. I would love it if my
husband’s latest plan materializes. It really comes as a hope, hope that I need
not keep running aimlessly forever. Hope that one day this morning rush will
slow down. One day I will no longer have to take those irritating honking of
cars behind mine. One day I will be away from those plastic smiles and be amidst
people who laugh.

My connections on FB keep uploading their glamorous
whereabouts. No offence to anyone. But I never check any of those uploads but
for the ones taken at their natural bests. I know no one cares whether a petty
soul as me checks their updates or not. It’s not about them but really about me
and how over the years I have changed and again transitioning back to what I
used to be. I remember my initial days of social networking – those Orkut days.
All my leisure time would be occupied checking out what’s up with my friends.
And if it’s some outa country glam pic I would check and recheck that one. It’s
all changed now. Imperfect, random, candid photos look so appealing.

Human mind – strange bunch of wires. But yes you slowly get
back to where you started. I am feeling it. Probably that’s called ageing.

 

Ah so I am not the only one

I just read one of my old blogs lying in drafts. Written in 2008 when I was in my silly 20s Nice one, reminded me that I too was wacky at some point of time. I still am probably now am better at keep my wacky bit under wraps. That’s what growing up is all about, isn’t it?

Well I promised myself that I would blog as often as I can. So many intriguing thoughts wander around my mind every evening after office, I just let them die….I shoudn’t I know…

There could be so many readers (if at all) who could be living my life, my experiences just the way I live the life of those many bloggers I read every time I get some time for myself. You know it’s just that great feeling of …. “Ah so I am not the only one”.

Actually come to think of it none of our experiences, stories are isolated, or are one of those ‘never ever before’ incidents. All that we experience has already happened with someone else at some part of the world. I have experienced it ever since I started social networking, blogging. I have seen women going through same emotions as I do when we get into this ‘wanna be moms’ mode. The same doubt – or whatever you call it –  just after marriage when you think first days of marriage means making out the entire day but what actually happens is you are making out may be once in a day and you wonder ‘is this normal?’ ‘i am the only one?’ ‘does this happen to all?’ You type in on the Google bar expecting a ‘no results found’ and bingo you get hundreds and thousands of groups asking the same question shamelessly (read openly)….Really at no point are we alone…what happens to me, I know for sure happens to millions out there whom I don’t know but am bonded by same experiences.

My most memorable sin

I couldn’t leave the comp today without blogging. This is something remarkable, my first big mischief amongst the so many small ones. Rather my first big in, amongst the many small ones. And I can’t wait to commit it Just too too excited.

I am going out with him – Oct 2nd to 4th…to the sea..just him and me..I can’t believe and I can’t wait for it..Lied to everyone at home and i feel bad for my people..i knw they trust me so much..they didn’t ask a second question..

But this whole thing that he and i planned is just too good to give up for any moral goodness…Complete 72 hours with him, away onto a beach…beachy nights with him in a nice, romantic hotel room…Oh I have been craving for it..and afterall he’s my husband to be…I think this much sin is ok..

That’s where the problem lies…I lost the quality of wanting anything badly. And lack of that feeling can really really make you hollow and empty inside.

Great Hindu thinkers say get rid of desires if you want to be happy. I would say no, if you are in this world you have to have desires, you must be wanting something – that’s what keeps you occupied, that’s what is positivity all about – wanting something and believing that you will achieve it one day…
Waiting is a bliss.
Well, to me I am sounding like someone who complains about having everything in life and nothing look forward to…
Is it so?
JC are you becoming one of those?
Am I?
Let’s see…am I?
May be…
And I don’t want to be one..
Come on where’s your skill of sayiong…’chalo thik hai yaar…it’s ok…whatever it is I don’t wanna get into any kind of dull mood…chalo leme not think abt it…

heheheh actually you know what the problem is?
Thing last few weeks I have been having too mucha excitement with my married life and today guess it reached that surface level so the crib…
but then imagine sitting sad at home thinking ‘ahh no charm left in my life’…
Godddd it can be so coring…
No way I dont wanna think that ways…
Emmm may be one thing I could do for myself is not laugh or talk to anybody…yes mood’s a liitle off today..

As they give away my father’s last identity

As they give away my father’s last identity to the rivers I sat quite in some corner of this ambitious city trying to find some peace, some quietness where one doesn’t have to talk. The best place I thought i could go is my office ladies’ restroom. I sat there with ladies hopping in and out every moment with me trying not to get conscious. See how life becomes.

Somehow these days there’s no conversation with self.  There is only noise within lots of it – the words that i left unsaid keep saying themselves, words which heard or hear keep repeating themselves..looks like whole of Bangalore rather another Bangalore resides within me. there wasn’t any room for quietness my inside is the noisiest place i have ever seen.   somewhere those memories of Mamon and her Baba lay burried there were so many things so many words he said to me, so many I said to him I cant find any.. there is so much noise here…