How would that be – he tilling his organic farm and I
calling out from afar ‘aji sunte hooooo’ with an aluminum lunch dabba in hand. Whatever
it is, I will welcome the change whenever it happens. I love quietness. I adore
sleepy, lazy places and life. Blame it to my small town background.

Come to think of it, life is such a circle – we always come
back to where we started. Or at least see the possibility of it happening. I
was born in a very very small town in Assam. Shifted to Delhi to study in a big
college. All the glitz and glamour struck my eyes. I was fascinated by the big
city rush.

As I completed my college and started working I got used to
this rush, glitz and glamour. By the time I shifted to Bangalore I learnt how
to live with it. And today as life is settling down (to no more major changes),
as I close in to a decade of working – I don’t like this hustle bustle any
more. I want to get back to that quietness I was born in. I would love it if my
husband’s latest plan materializes. It really comes as a hope, hope that I need
not keep running aimlessly forever. Hope that one day this morning rush will
slow down. One day I will no longer have to take those irritating honking of
cars behind mine. One day I will be away from those plastic smiles and be amidst
people who laugh.

My connections on FB keep uploading their glamorous
whereabouts. No offence to anyone. But I never check any of those uploads but
for the ones taken at their natural bests. I know no one cares whether a petty
soul as me checks their updates or not. It’s not about them but really about me
and how over the years I have changed and again transitioning back to what I
used to be. I remember my initial days of social networking – those Orkut days.
All my leisure time would be occupied checking out what’s up with my friends.
And if it’s some outa country glam pic I would check and recheck that one. It’s
all changed now. Imperfect, random, candid photos look so appealing.

Human mind – strange bunch of wires. But yes you slowly get
back to where you started. I am feeling it. Probably that’s called ageing.

Well I promised myself that I would blog as often as I can. So many intriguing thoughts wander around my mind every evening after office, I just let them die….I shoudn’t I know…

There could be so many readers (if at all) who could be living my life, my experiences just the way I live the life of those many bloggers I read every time I get some time for myself. You know it’s just that great feeling of …. “Ah so I am not the only one”.

Actually come to think of it none of our experiences, stories are isolated, or are one of those ‘never ever before’ incidents. All that we experience has already happened with someone else at some part of the world. I have experienced it ever since I started social networking, blogging. I have seen women going through same emotions as I do when we get into this ‘wanna be moms’ mode. The same doubt – or whatever you call it –  just after marriage when you think first days of marriage means making out the entire day but what actually happens is you are making out may be once in a day and you wonder ‘is this normal?’ ‘i am the only one?’ ‘does this happen to all?’ You type in on the Google bar expecting a ‘no results found’ and bingo you get hundreds and thousands of groups asking the same question shamelessly (read openly)….Really at no point are we alone…what happens to me, I know for sure happens to millions out there whom I don’t know but am bonded by same experiences.

I am going out with him – Oct 2nd to 4th…to the sea..just him and me..I can’t believe and I can’t wait for it..Lied to everyone at home and i feel bad for my people..i knw they trust me so much..they didn’t ask a second question..

But this whole thing that he and i planned is just too good to give up for any moral goodness…Complete 72 hours with him, away onto a beach…beachy nights with him in a nice, romantic hotel room…Oh I have been craving for it..and afterall he’s my husband to be…I think this much sin is ok..

Great Hindu thinkers say get rid of desires if you want to be happy. I would say no, if you are in this world you have to have desires, you must be wanting something – that’s what keeps you occupied, that’s what is positivity all about – wanting something and believing that you will achieve it one day…
Waiting is a bliss.
Well, to me I am sounding like someone who complains about having everything in life and nothing look forward to…
Is it so?
JC are you becoming one of those?
Am I?
Let’s see…am I?
May be…
And I don’t want to be one..
Come on where’s your skill of sayiong…’chalo thik hai yaar…it’s ok…whatever it is I don’t wanna get into any kind of dull mood…chalo leme not think abt it…

heheheh actually you know what the problem is?
Thing last few weeks I have been having too mucha excitement with my married life and today guess it reached that surface level so the crib…
but then imagine sitting sad at home thinking ‘ahh no charm left in my life’…
Godddd it can be so coring…
No way I dont wanna think that ways…
Emmm may be one thing I could do for myself is not laugh or talk to anybody…yes mood’s a liitle off today..

Somehow these days there’s no conversation with self.  There is only noise within lots of it – the words that i left unsaid keep saying themselves, words which heard or hear keep repeating themselves..looks like whole of Bangalore rather another Bangalore resides within me. there wasn’t any room for quietness my inside is the noisiest place i have ever seen.   somewhere those memories of Mamon and her Baba lay burried there were so many things so many words he said to me, so many I said to him I cant find any.. there is so much noise here…

I am writing a letter to you after a long long time. I guess 2001 was last when I write to you. Lot of things have changed. back then I knew I would send an ‘unstampped letter’ to you and you would recieve it paying the fine. Where would I have the money to spend on stamps those days. That’s why i used to trouble you. Now, today, there’s no need of an address, or a stamp, because this letter is online, stays with me always. All i hope is you get to see and read this letter through some frequency match of the internet technology and the cosmos. Or all I know, you could be standing just behind me and reading what am writing.

Babu I know you are somewhere around. I know you can’t just go like that. I know you also feel there are loads undone. I know you are here with me somewhere. I know you can’t go like that without meeting me once, without patting my forehead without telling me, ‘Ma go himmat rakhiyo’.

They say you are no more. Are you? But I still see myself standing in that corridor near the ICU of Sagar Hospitals. Hopping in at times  to see you and coming back to see if Monty, dada and ma are fine. I still am standing outside the ICU door planning to tell you what all happened while you were inside.

Am still outside that Assembly Hall in Haflong sitting with you in the car. I can still hear you asking me, “How did your drawing competition go?” and am answering, “Baba I coloured only half of it .” And you are saying, “It’s ok still you will win the prize!”

We are all standing in our Bagetar house lawn with that cake celebrating your 50th birthday. But I am little angry with you. Why did you drink? Am angry with Phani kaku also they always make you drink I don’t like it you know that. But it’s ok, it’s your birthday. Babuji make that dimer torkari no I want to have, it’s been so many days.

I can still see you sitting on that cane chair in your room and am telling you, “You know Baba many a times when Miss asks questions in class I would know the answer but wouldn’t raise my hand. I feel so shy and scared you know.” And you without even looking at me are saying, “Ohho…anyways next time you raise your hand – first few times you will have to force yourself..after that you will get into the habbit of raising your hand for everything you know. It’s just about practise and making a begininng somewhere. Don’t worry it’s no big deal.”

Lot’s of things Baba, you are there in so many things. Though I dont see you much during my wedding days and after that, except for that day when Baudi called and I cried on phone and when I reached home (your home), you said, ‘Taare khoiyo tumare dhomok ditona” and tumar thutt bhangso. Okhon aar beshi dukho lagena. Mono hoy thik asey jaa aasey. Aar kita kharaph hoito. He o change hor. Bass tumar ekta kothai moni hoy khoirai…”Ma go ja phaiso hota re shundor khoro.”

Bass Babuji..ita loiyya shara jibon thakmu.

Now, well it’s different. Things have changed. My husband’s not a tyrrant, never. In fact he’s caring, extremely co-operative and he is the reason because of whom I am being able to balance my work, studies and home. If not for him I wouldn’t have been able to do any of the things I am doing right now. But then somewhere he’s still a ’husband’. We are modern, forward looking. he encourages me to have my own identity rather than just being his wife. But somewhere he’s still a husband.

Having my way towards my life is a fight. Or may be even for him it is so. We both are different in so many ways. Sometimes I give in, sometimes he does and sometimes we both fight. Perhaps that’s SANGSAR. Once you get in to it, you lose that ‘you’. Don’t know whether it’s a nice thing to have or not.

Actually after writing these many paras and especially mentioning that he supports me so much, am feeling life’s not all that bad afterall. Yes I am having to compromise some of my personal and even mental freedom but nevertheless I have such loveable person as my company. I actually have nothing to crib about.

Frankly yesterday night he called one of his colleagues for a dinner. I cooked just 2 dishes with his help. Wasn’t feeling well after that. So I went of and slept. And my man kept up till 12 at night and cleared all the mess after such tiring working day. I couldn’t have wished for someone better!

You take new steps in life and the side effects are new permutation and combinations of relationships, of emotions around you. In fact new permutatoin snad combinations of your own self. I was always scared of becoming one like Sujs but looks like it is inevitable, nevertheless I will try not to be one.  But everything around provokes…words I hear, reactions I encounter..this person within is changing fast..is getting lonelier everyday…and I am watching it all..

But all hasn’t changed..may be somethings will never…there’s still that girl that dreams, that believes, that hopes…probably that nothing change..I still believe we will live my dream oneday..a day when all is settled and at peace…the day when everything is clear and ‘ok’…i still believe it will come and i shall wait…

Obviously, it’s not without a reason that a woman would throw her Mangalya away. Why wouldn’t she, if the husband can say ‘May be you get the pleasure from outside..’ when she doesn’t yeild to his sexual urges..that too in front of her own mother? God how awful it could have been for her. I know this could be the first feminist kind of blog that I am writing here..Frankly I am no feminist..I just try to be a humanist trying to look at people as a human being who can sin, who can do good, who can love, hate….But some things and in some aspects I expect human beings to be perfect, as perfect as God could be…that is when it comes to treating parents and treating your family..spouse, kids…specially men should be gods..because I feel they are capable of it…they are meant to be one when it comes to parents and wife and kids…That’s why I hate this man…who can tell his wife..’Both of you are white elephants I cannot take care of you perpetually..few months are ok..So please find a job and get on with your career.’ 

Imagine you are groaning with the delivery pain…and you have to look for a taxi yourself to get to hospital..Imagine you are lying tired on your hospital bed after the baby birth and someone and then you have to get up and settle your delivery bills…with the husband being still alive earning and healthy? Yes that’s how the world is, nature is..man is the provider.. and when he doesn’t while he has the resources to provide…he is called cruel…insensitive..he is not a man..

Suji tells me Jhinuk..I dont want this high flying IT job, I dont want this car that I bought in loan..I dont want people to think I am successful and independent..I hate this word independence..rather I want to be possessed, I want to be questioned, I want to be provided with my small small wants…I want to depend on someone…ask money from someone while I go shopping…want someone who will get furious at me if I look at other men..but here..I have a husband who doesn’t mind me having feelings for another man…he says oh you are so honest you told me … why couldn’t he slap me, why could he hold me tight to him and said ‘listen you are only mine..you are not going anyhwre without me…’ I would have been so happy…instead he just leaves me to stray around with guys… 

They think we are working, earning well, so we need not be taken care of..Independence seems to be the new buzz…how superficial….’Modern Independent Women’….looks like a term coined by the ‘Men of Today’ so things get easier for them…you know things like joint home loans in a posh locality or a joint loan for some posh car…so that they can flaunt it around friends..No we dont want that….we are ready to give up our so called independence…just take care of us….we are delicate…please understand that…we might be going out and working…but we still shiver inside and feel that lump on our throats when bosses are rude to us…You guys..be a man and let us be women…..taking care of you, depending on you…loving you…

As I  walked in, in the morning I saw a plaque lying on my table with my name inscribed on it. It’s an award given to me for my contribution to a company wide initiative. Felt very nice. Actually am all geared up to do good things. But dnt know where to start from.

Let’s see, they say where there’s a will there’s a way. May be I will find my way too!